Toothpaste in a hairbrush & other frustrating reasons for patience and love
KIRC welcomes a guest essayist, struggling to cope as dementia chips away at the family patriarch
Keeping it REAL Caregiving presents our first guest essayist of 2022.
Marc, a family caregiver, shares some personal reflections on what it means to care for an elderly parent suffering from dementia.
His authentic and real observations range from practical approaches and day-to-day solutions, to the emotional pull that watching our elders decline has on us.
KIRC would like to thank this family caregiver for sharing and Keeping it REAL.
Let's talk about... frustrations
By: Marc
One of the things Dad does from time to time is wear his shoes as house slippers . . . without socks.
His podiatrist has asked him to not do this, because it hurts his feet. He doesn't remember that request, of course.
For a split second, when he does this, I get angry at him. How can he blatantly ignore what was JUST asked of him, I immediately think. Why don't I just take all of his shoes away from him? I'll make sure he doesn't hurt himself. THAT will teach him!
No, I do not actually berate him like this. Instead, I ignore those inner comments and just help him change his shoes.
I know that the anger comes from frustration - because I know for a fact that if he were in his right mind, he would not even consider wearing shoes without socks. I can remember him talking to me on this exact subject, about the sanitary concerns of such practices.
Courtesy: Adobe Stock
Why is it so angering? Because he's my dad! He taught me everything I know, or at least had a hand in teaching me how to look at things in the correct manner.
Now he does things that are completely out of character. He would never consider wearing the same clothes every day, or leaving the bathroom without washing his hands—he knows better. Right? Nope.
I can see in his face that this frustrates him too. Deep down he does know, but something is preventing him from remembering exactly WHAT he needs to do at a given moment, so he pieces his actions together into something that seems to make sense to him just then.
Or maybe he knows that he needs to do something, but doesn't remember how to do it, or use it [an item].
I watched him the other day as he looked for his toothbrush, not quite knowing what a toothbrush was. He picked up his razor and shaved his face three times, but still needed to brush his teeth. He picked up his hairbrush and put toothpaste on it. Then, because it was a hairbrush, ran it through his hair.
Courtesy: Adobe Stock
That led to a burning sensation on his scalp, and he realized that he’d done it wrong. He grabbed some toilet paper to wipe the toothpaste off, and instead smeared it in. He tossed down the paper and sighed.
The only thing I could do at that point was to come in with a washcloth, telling him,"I can reach the spots that are too hard for you to get to."
At moments like this, I do my best to keep his dignity intact while cleaning up, trying to distract him from the task at hand.
I've also figured out that he is losing his words.
I'll be talking to him and he will laugh when it’s not appropriate. Does he think something is funny? Possibly. Or maybe he doesn't understand a word you just said.
Sometimes he refers to animals as 'people.'
We have a squirrel that comes to the window to eat the peanuts I left for him. Dad will tell me that “some gray person was on the patio eating the nuts that I left.”
Courtesy: Adobe Stock
Does he think that a squirrel is a person or did his mind just replace the word with something that made sense?
I'm guessing it's the latter, since most of the time he clearly knows when he’s said the wrong word. It shows on his face. It’s similar to some stroke victims.
It is hard to watch someone who raised you dwindling down to a 92-year old toddler, and doing things, sometimes dangerous things, they would have never had done if they were in their right mind.
All you can do is be understanding. They don't know any better, or maybe they do and can't remember what better looks like.
How often have you not remembered something that you know for a fact you know?
Courtesy: Getty Images/VICTOR HABBICK VISIONS/SCIENCE PHOTO LIBRARY
That is what's going on with them. They know that they know something but can't remember what it is, and that frustrates them.
That's why we caregivers do what we do. We love them and keep them safe. Just as they did with us.
*Note: KIRC would like to ask everyone to send positive energy out for Marc and his father who was admitted to the hospital earlier this week for some tests and observations.
Wishing them the best and only positive outcomes, and sending a heartfelt THANK YOU for sharing such a personal journey.*
*If you missed our previous newsletter, take a few moments to read the article, as we talk about the importance of being an advocate if your loved one has to be admitted to the hospital. Timely, given this caregiver's current experience.*
Who else is experiencing similar challenges? Jump into the discussion and share your thoughts/experiences. If you have any suggestions to help our guest essayist navigate some of these emotions, please share (positive encouragement is welcome).
Do you have a personal story you believe could benefit others? I'd love to hear from you - drop a line at info@juliayarboughmediagroup.com
Until next time,
Julia
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*Header Image: Courtesy Getty Images/Adobe Stock/Adobe Premier
Questions or Comments about KIRC and our content📮? info@juliayarboughmediagroup.com
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