The good, the bad, the TURKEY 🦃 & don't forget the PIE🥧
Capturing priceless holiday memories
Let me be one of the first to wish you and your family, friends and loved ones a warm, happy and safe Thanksgiving Day holiday!
For many of you, the realities and duties involved with family caregiving may override your ability to stop, relax and simply enjoy the day.
However, I urge you to approach the day with a different perspective, especially if the person you are caring for is an elder.
Consider Thanksgiving more than just a day to prepare a feast, but rather use it to capture priceless moments.
Holiday memory lane
Growing up, holidays in my household were neither festive, nor warm and fuzzy; but more practical. Knowing what I know now about life, work and income, I would say my parents provided a safe and solid middle-class lifestyle. As the holidays approached, us kids were anxious and full of anticipation of whatever gifts or treats the season would bring; we never wanted for anything.
Courtesy: Adobe Stock
Come Thanksgiving, Miss Nellie would prepare a traditional dinner with all the trimmings - turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes and gravy, whipped sweet potatoes, sometimes macaroni and cheese, green beans, (or some other veggie) cranberry sauce (love it or hate it, those Ocean Spray cans came out each and every year!), and biscuits with plenty of butter! The holiday season was also when mom pulled out ‘the good china’ from the ornately designed wooden china cabinet.
I’m not so sure this entire production created any joy for my mother, though. Because without fail, almost each year at this time an emotional dark cloud would descend over my mother and hang heavy throughout our home. It would last through Christmas and things would return to 'normal' near the start of the year.
Holiday depression or Seasonal Affective Disorder is real for many people.
It wasn’t until many years later, as an adult, that I accepted and understood how difficult holiday seasons must have been - year after year after year, for my mother, whatever the cause of those dark moods.
All grown up & caregiving
Roll the calendar forward to 2000. That was the year I moved my mother from Northern California to live near me in South Florida. It was also the year mom handed over the baton of being responsible for planning holiday events, meals and keeping the mood festive.
As we all prepare to celebrate Thanksgiving, 2021, this year I am taking a break and I am also acutely aware of my mother’s absence.
She passed in September, 2020 at age 90 but I think the reality of her death had not quite sunk in as the holidays approached last year.
This year feels different. Much different.
It will be one of only a few times in 20-years I am not preparing a full feast and going all out.
There will not be the 'post-thanksgiving meal and party for co-workers'…
There will be no ‘come-one come-all’ open table for friends, family and singles…
No coordinating airline flights and schedules so my mother could visit with her other children…
I am not worrying about preparing food items that fit ‘tradition’ and are suitable for my mothers' diabetes and high blood pressure…
There is no worry someone will say or do anything that might set off an emotional roller-coaster...
With Thanksgiving 2021 just hours away, I must confess I am experiencing a personal 'a-ha' moment: I recognize that I have coordinated menus, meals, dinner parties, inviting friends to gather, and hosting what I ‘hoped’ were festive moments not for myself, but -- for my mother!
Without even realizing it, one of the caregiving roles (long before I identified as or accepted I was a caregiver) I took on, was to try and offer my mother some measure of calm, peace and enjoyment for the holiday season.
The little things...
During Thanksgiving 2014 with friends and close family, I asked everyone to hold hands and then share one thing they are thankful for. When mom’s turn came… she started crying and said, “I’m just thankful that I am still here.”
In 2016, just weeks before Thanksgiving, my oven stopped working. The new one wasn’t set to arrive until mid-December. It turned out the traditional meal served at a local casino suited mom just fine.
Miss Nellie/Thanksgiving 2016
Thanksgiving 2016/Northern California
After dinner there were no dishes to clean; she played the slots and she was happy.
2018 we decided to do ‘dinner in a box.’ Mom insisted I not spend days preparing a meal. We turned to the HoneyBaked company to fill our table.
Chocolate Swirl Cheesecake & Sweet Potato Pie - yum!
The desserts were still homemade - cheesecake and sweet potato pie!
Thanksgiving 2019 was simple and quiet. I prepared a full meal with all the trimmings and all of mom's favorites - including that canned cranberry sauce and Pillsbury biscuits with LOTS of butter. I even included the cooked and chopped turkey giblets into the gravy mix. (So NOT my favorite!)
Thanksgiving turkey, 2019
I think we all suspected (including my mother) that this might be her final Thanksgiving celebration. I'm glad she was able to enjoy all the foods she loved and I hope she felt 'thankful' to still be here.
Priceless moments
So this year, go above and beyond. Create those priceless moments. Have extra. Indulge in something sweet. Find moments to be thankful in each interaction with your elder. Tomorrow is not promised and neither is Thanksgiving 2022.
I would love to hear what some of you are doing to create those special moments for your loved one or some personal revelations as a result of your caregiving duties. Jump into the discussion and share your holiday tricks, secrets and 'a-ha' moments...
And for all the caregivers out there who might be feeling a bit overwhelmed… know that the entire KIRC family is thankful for YOU!
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Header Image: Courtesy Adobe Stock