Is it all fun and games for successful 30-something millennials? Maybe - until aging & caregiving 🧓🏽👴👵🏻 lands in your lap!
Part II of the KIRC chat with Melissa, a millennial caregiver who is helping to care for her elderly grandparents. She shares valuable lessons & insight we can all learn from
In Part I of our chat with Melissa, a 34-year old family caregiver to elderly grandparents, we learned about the unexpected event which created this reality.
It is a reminder that any one of us could find ourselves in this situation. And here's the hard truth of it all folks: it doesn't matter how old we are, our background, race, religion or political affiliation - facing the challenges of caring for a loved one can impact anyone - at anytime.
Many of us are thrown into it without any kind of training. We learn to care for our elders by trial and error.
When I think back to when I first started caring for my mother it would have been wonderful to have a bit more health and medical training to understand aging and geriatrics. Thank goodness the awareness level is increasing!
So as we think about those issues, let's continue with my conversation with Melissa. We talked about how this caregiving experience has given her some new perspectives about respecting our elders and discovering more fulfilling ways to live our own lives.
Learning curve
Q: I didn’t start facing all this [caregiving] until my late 40’s, and it was for my mother. Even then it was overwhelming. With what you have learned this year; what are some of your thoughts? What has this taught you about the landscape of caregiving?
A: It’s TOUGH. Even for someone like my grandfather, who I think is extraordinary. He has done a great job of planning for their future and has a strong sense to make sure that his wife is taken care of and that she is getting the proper care. And it takes a lot of energy!
Taking care of yourself is one of the things that I’ve learned. My grandfather does a great job of taking care of himself even at his age. He is proactive and he has been his own force to make sure he could take care of himself and his wife as they got older.
Melissa & grandparents 2021
And I also think about work and life. You know you can get caught up in your job and be so overwhelmed and busy that you let other things fall to the wayside; like spending time with people or spending time on yourself or taking care of your health.
Q: In addition to the emotional side of things, did you have any idea of the costs involved with eldercare?
A: I didn't. It’s expensive, you know? Preparing for retirement, preparing for all of the added costs. It makes me think about trying to manage and figure out how to plan for that future.
To get a better idea of what individuals and families may be facing financially, I encourage you to check out this comprehensive report from AARP.
Screen grab/Courtesy: AARP Research
On the personal side, I can tell you that the monthly expense for my mother's care at home (with in-home assistance) ranged anywhere from $2500-3000/month. Once we made the decision for my mother's care to be at a facility, that amount jumped to roughly $6,000 a month.
Q: Do you have moments of frustration about this caregiving role, or is it a feeling of thankfulness to be there for your grandparents?
A: It can definitely be frustrating. But for example my grandmother doesn’t speak, but I know she’s there. She knows what’s going on.
Sometimes people talk about her like she’s not there or don't pay attention to her or don't change her clothes and care for her. That can be frustrating to see because she knows what’s going on.
Even if she’s not speaking to you, she knows what’s going on. For example, when I see her struggling to do something... like when she’s in her wheelchair and she’s trying to get comfortable and nobody is paying attention to her to help her. It is frustrating.
Melissa's grandparents/2019
And that is also concerning. If I am not able to continue caring for them, I worry, are they going to continue to get the care they need? It’s frustrating. I worry about people not showing up for work or quitting. It’s a lot. The whole thing can be a lot.
Q: Many people describe caregiving as a type of blessing. Do you consider it in that way?
A: There are now times that I have with my grandparents that I haven’t had before. And these are moments that are so sweet. Sometimes my grandmother just wants a hug. She’ll say, 'Come here,' and then give me a hug.
It’s so unexpected and so special for her to recognize me. She will say to me, “I’m so thankful you’re here.”
Q: What piece of advice do you have for others?
A: I wish I had spoken to my grandmother more. One thing my grandfather is doing now is capturing some of his stories. I think that’s awesome.
I would say if you can capture stories from your parents or your grandparents, do it. Sometimes when he [grandfather] reads those stories, I can see her light up.
She remembers going to the Opera or she remembers that moment in time. I wish we had captured more of her stories before she couldn’t tell us what they were; or remember what they were for herself.
My grandmother had an amazing wit about her; sometimes you still see it creep through. But I think having more conversations and being more present when I was with them would have been good.
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Q: Knowing what you know now, are there practical steps you think we can take now in preparation for aging?
A: My grandparents for instance, they bought a home that they could grow old in that didn’t have a bunch of stairs, that’s one thing.
Some of the other best practical approaches…
Think about do you know the primary care doctor?
Do you know where important documents are; the items for your parents or grandparents? Or do they have them someplace accessible so you have the resources you need?
Create a network of information for your parents; that could help if something happened. It is a comfort to know these things are taken care of and the information is available if you need it.
And I would say, establish a routine. Document the process and find a support network.
Q: What has this experience taught you about yourself? Any takeaways for others?
A: Before I came here I was very much invested in my career and my own life. And I realize now there is time for more things than I thought there was time for. There is time to spend with my grandparents, or there is time to spend visiting with my family. You just have to make a shift in priorities and take some time for yourself.
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KIRC would like to thank Melissa for her honest and open discussion about her new reality. I think she offers us plenty of useful, practical and REAL information of some things to think about.
What about you? Are you a millennial in a similar situation and if so, what input do you have? What have you learned that can help others? More importantly, what do you want policy-makers to know about the realities of this role?
Jump into the discussion - let me hear from you! The goal is to start combining our voices and come 2022, getting more of these real life stories and information in front of those who have the power to make policy changes.
Julia Yarbough/Keeping it REAL Caregiving
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And by the way... THANK YOU for coming along on this journey. I'm excited to continue building our network and blessed to have you on board.
Until next time~
